M.

Página en blanco. Me encontraba ante una puta página en blanco esperando a que me quejase de mis sentimientos, de mi vida, de la forma de ser de todo el mundo y de lo erróneo que es todo a mi alrededor. Una página en blanco que amenazaba con seguir en blanco, porque las palabras adecuadas nunca son fáciles de encontrar. Pero, como muchas otras veces, siempre acabaré encontrando la inspiración para poder contar mi historia, aunque no sea nada fácil de explicar, y mucho menos de escuchar.
Que la vida me ha dado muchos palos no es algo que niegue ni esconda, he sido fruto de un experimento y una trampa a la que llaman "vida humana", y duele sentirse tan sola y tan incomprendida cuando piensas que hay alguien esperándote en silencio en otra parte, que observa todos tus movimientos y te da consejos que no puedes escuchar... Él es mi Dios, Él es toda la vida que deseo a mi lado y todo lo que necesito... James Bale. Estés donde estés, sabes que lo eres todo para mí, y te echo tanto de menos que los días se me hacen años desde que no estás, si es que alguna vez has estado...

5.

"Today, I realized how much I need him in my life, how much I miss him everyday, how strong the fear of losing him is... I could literaly jump of a cliff and not thinking about it twice if it was for him... I just think, sometimes, he doesn't know how important he is for me. He rules my life, he makes me feel like I'm in heaven and hell at the same time, I can't help it, it's just too strong to be true..."
My hands were shaking while I was writing this in my blog. My body could barely respond to myself anymore, this was love, this was true love, I found him and I knew it... After all this years of loneliness, feeling nothing, kissing nobodies, now I'm finally with him again. Even if he doesn't remember me, even if he thinks this is just another game he has to win, I know this is pure, this is much more than any of us will be able to explain when we come back to our real lifes... I'm in love. Madly and completely in love with him. He owns me, and I'm ready to anything life has prepared for me, because I know I can fight every storm that comes if he's by my side.

4.

What is not a big deal to many is, in fact, a big deal to me. More than a big deal, a huge deal. Something completely dramatic that will change my life, and not exactly for good. Even if it doesn't goes the way I expected (the worst way anyone can ever expect) it still means something to me. My feelings were hurt, and someone must repay me for that, and no one ever does.
I think that this world is specificly designed just to destroy me. That's how selfish I am. But I can't help it, I'm just who I am, and whenever people tell me I have, need, must change, I tell them "Should I change just because your reality is better than mine?" Oh wait. Who the hell ever asked for your damn opinion? I'm just upset, I don't need a test on how wrong I am about something because I always know when I am. Indeed, I'm hardly ever right. But that's not the point...
Anyway. I need to destroy the word "party" and its meaning if I want to make this relationship keep going. He's so damn important to me, I don't want to lose him, really, but I can't continue this without the guarantee that he won't be going away every single weekend to party with those stupid and fake friends he has... If only he knew them in their real form, not pretending to be cool and angels when they once told me how wrong my music was, or how tall my heels were, or how small and wrong my size was. I don't even know why he likes them when they hurted me so much that I can trust no one anymore!
They are the devil in disguise, and I hope he will notice it someday... But if he doesn't, I did, and my choice is to stay away from that crap type of people. I signed that long time ago.

3.

How am I suposse to live with this insecurity? I feel like everyone around me is constantly betraying me. Why do I have to live like this? Why do they compel me to sacrifice myself everytime for themselves? Am I suposse to change who I am, just because they don't want me the way I truly am?
They accepted me like this. Is just like a fucking contract. When you accept someone as it is, is a non-written rule that says "I will never try to change you". But this is absolutely trying to, not just change me, but destroy myself.
I want to be living far away from here, I want to come back to my place, my home, my people, my status, my husband... EVERYTHING. I don't get the point of any of this.
Yes, I truly believe there's someone waiting for me as I write this, and that he's probably watching everything I do at every single moment of the day, assuming he didn't come with me to this hell. If he did so, and he can't find himself, I'd be much better without him, because he might become someone he's not and I wont be able to forgive any action caused by a human being. We are suposse to be royals, we can't make mistakes, and if he's the one, he's taking too many risks. He absolutely doesn't care about me, or he would wait one day to go out with me and his damn friends. I don't get it. I really don't get it.
I'm truly mad at him right now, and I feel sad and... I don't even know what else to write that could possibly define the destructive feelings I'm having right now. My stomach hurts, I feel like I can't breath...
I need to take everything away, even if that means going back to that time when I didn't fall in love with you because... We hadn't met yet.

2.

Truth be told, I wouldn't like to go back to Saturday night. My head boils everytime I think about that night. Everything had change, I wasn't me, he wasn't himself... I felt strange and terribly wrong when I went to sleep. I still wonder if they had to do something with that feeling or it was just me hoping that "they" actually existed.
However, today it was clean and weirdly good. I had a nice and short night with friends and him, we went to a walk together, we even had the chance to talk about ourselves and that never happens in the middle of a party.
Something's coming, something big and strange, and I don't know what it is, but I would love to know it as soon as possible.
I still have to remember myself we're strangers, just to make sure I don't fall that deep into the ground like I did that night, but I guess this is the right thing to do, to stay put and lay feets on the ground until I'm pretty sure I can fly without the possibility to fall. It may take years, maybe I never reach it, but humans do have a tendency on trying so hard to find happiness, and as I was told to be as human as I could be, that's exactly what I'm going to do: search my happiness and, if I find it, embrace it with all my beating heart.

1.

I'm honestly afraid. I don't know what the future holds for us, or how we may live. I don't even know if we're going to choose different paths someday.
I came to find myself wondering if all of this was true or something was hidden, and I got no answer to my prayers. I can't have this doubts for all my life, I can't wonder if someone is going to betray me again, if I'm able to trust. I truly think I'm blind sometimes, and I don't like being vulnerable. I won't let them see I'm close to fall again to the edge and never come back. I will rise, over and over again, and I don't care if that is none of their pleasure. It's also none of their bussiness.
Moon, I beg of you, protect those who I love and I care about, give me the answers I need, let me rest properly and not being haunted by this questions which won't like to dissapear from my mind, but, most important, protect me. Send help, I don't care how or who, but I got no time. I don't know if will be able of acting strong and confident this longer, and you are the only reason why I keep my head straight to the skies, because I want you to be proud of your girl.